It's either a honeymoon or a disaster when a couple tries to lose weight together.

That's according to experts who say that how a couple approaches weight loss can make -- or break -- their success.

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When both members are equally motivated to shed pounds, they can support each other and achieve significantly better weight loss than when they go it alone, says Kelly Brownell, director of Yale University's Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity.

That approach allowed Gary Stice, 51, and his wife, Dorothy, 52, of Tulsa to lose a total of 125 pounds over two years. The Stices joined Weight Watchers together, shopped for groceries and cooked together, walked and went to the gym together and reaped medical benefits together from their lost pounds. Dorothy Stice was able to reverse type 2 diabetes. Gary Stice no longer takes blood pressure and cholesterol-lowering medications and stopped having sleep apnea.

"And when we go off the wagon, we can get back on together," notes Dorothy.

Trouble is that weight loss can sometimes divide a couple, especially if one member behaves like the nutrition police. "You want to eliminate the snide comments, like saying, 'Are you sure that's on your diet?' " says Thomas A. Wadden, director of the University of Pennsylvania's Center for Weight and Eating Disorders. "It's derailing and demoralizing and can lead to disaster."

But walking the line between encouragement and nagging can be tough, as a Lean Plate Club member noted in a recent Web chat. "I had to be really careful not to lecture my boyfriend, so that he wouldn't tune out all my help."

The advantage of losing weight together means that couples "can watch over each other's shoulders," says Martin Jansen of Appleton, Wis., who, with his wife, Lydia, lost a total of 90 pounds. "You can see what they are eating."

But that can also make one member an enforcer when the other starts dipping into the ice cream or eating a bag of chips. "You don't want to make them feel guilty," notes Jansen, who says that he and his wife learned by trial and error to navigate these weak moments "with a lot of discussion."

Agreeing ahead of time what to say when slips occur is a smart idea, notes Wadden, who advises that couples ask each other, "When I see you eating a brownie, do you want me to say, 'Should you have that?' Or should I just keep my mouth shut?"

Comparing the numbers on the bathroom scale can be another source of friction in couples trying to lose weight, since men and women shed pounds at different rates.

With their higher percentage of lean muscle mass, "men are biologically programmed to lose weight faster than women," notes registered dietitian Karen Miller-Kovach, chief scientific officer for Weight Watchers and author of the upcoming book "She Loses, He Loses: The Truth About Women, Men, and Weight Loss" (Wiley). Since muscle burns more calories than fat, men typically shed pounds faster.

To help even the playing field, experts say to focus on percentage of weight lost rather than pounds alone. "Aim for about half a percent per week," Wadden says. That works out to about a 1.25 pounds for a man who weighs 250 pounds; 0.75 pounds for a woman who weighs 150.

Men and women seem to be motivated to lose weight for different reasons, and they approach shedding pounds differently. Appearance and preventive health are the more likely weight-loss triggers for women, Miller-Kovach says. "Men, on the other hand, are more likely to lose weight not for appearance or prevention but to treat a health problem."

So women trying to motivate their male partners to shed pounds are more likely to find success if they can underscore a weight-related health problem -- bad back, sore knees, high blood cholesterol or blood pressure -- that could benefit from trimming pounds rather than the generic complaint of the health dangers of being overweight.

As they lose weight, women "really like unsolicited and positive feedback that they are doing well," Miller-Kovach says. Their male partners "aren't likely to give that without being asked."

For couples who can't seem to get in sync with weight loss, there's still hope: the "ripple effect" documented by Amy Gorin and her colleagues at Brown University Medical School. "If you have a partner or spouse who needs to lose weight, one of the best things you can do is to do this yourself," Gorin says.

As a Lean Plate Club member noted in a Web chat this summer: "It's really hard, but try leading by example. My friend told me her greatest moment was when her husband put half his delivered Italian food in a Tupperware container before he started eating the pasta, since he saw her do it so much. He used to eat the whole thing without thinking, and he shifted portion sizes just from watching her." ?